In this episode, we explore the subtle but important difference between coaching and guiding when it comes to helping someone through a decluttering or downsizing journey. Whether you're supporting a parent, friend, or managing your own stuff, understanding your role can make the experience more effective—and more compassionate.
In this episode, we talk about:
- The difference between coaching and guiding during decluttering
- How to tell which role you’re playing (or should be playing)
- Tips for adjusting your approach to be more supportive and effective
Mentioned in this episode:
- Signs someone needs a coach vs. a guide
- The emotional stakes of helping someone declutter
- Tools to support others without overstepping
Review full show notes and resources at https://theorganizedflamingo.com/podcast
Review Transcript:
 Welcome to Organize and Cherish. I'm Stephanie, your host. In today's episode, we're talking about something that's easy to overlook when you're helping someone else, especially for so helping someone else, but also with your own self. And it's the question of are you trying to coach them or are you guiding them?
It might seem like a small difference, but the role you step into, whether it's a coach, a companion, or something in between, can make or break the progress and trust in the diluting journey. I see this with clients in the community all the time. This applies whether you're helping your moms or through her garage, assisting a friend after a life change, or even managing your own things while helping someone else.
So let's break down the question of are you trying to be a coach? Or should you, are you trying to guide them? So let's talk about it.
Welcome to the Organized and Cherish podcast with the Organized Flamingo. I am your host Stephanie. You're compassionate and efficient. Professional organizer. Whether you are part of the sandwich generation helping a loved one declutter, or just trying to simplify life, this is the place for you.
Together we will tackle those overwhelming piles of stuff, uncover purpose in what we keep, and let go with dignity and care, because it's not just about throwing everything away, it's about re. Affecting memories and simplifying life. Sound like a plan? Let's jump in and get organized. Okay, so first let me tell you why I've even talking about this, why this topic got brought up.
So about six months ago, I was meeting with a client who I had worked with before but had not seen in about a year and a half or so. Usually we were on schedule, like we would see each other every couple of months, and we would do a decluttering in like two, three days and then we'd see each other every couple months or so.
Know, they, when I did a my follow up one day, they just said, you know, hey, not right now. We are going to, I'm gonna be working with a family and they're gonna help me through going through my storage. Now, you know where I'm done with like the household stuff. Now we're moving on to the storage and like other stuff that I've been storing and they said, you know, a lot of that stuff.
Is tied to like the emotional stuff that I wanna leave behind, like heirlooms and stuff that belong to my parents and my grandparents and or other family. And I think, you know, I'd like to see if they would want it. So I want them to be part of the journey. And they said that they would help me, the family member, right At the time.
They didn't say who it was, or they just said like family and said, oh, wonderful. Great. Well if you ever need me, you know where to find me. We'll talk soon. So then fast forward to a year and a half later. They give me a call and they say, okay, I need your help more than even before, because the, the storage areas that we were working on, what said family member and members is later I found out is now even worse than before.
And, you know, I chuckled. I thought she was being sarcastic. So we met, went to the space and realized that it had been untouched. I mean, really, truly untouched. And the reason I could tell was because all the boxes were still closed, some of them were still like tape taped. And so when I asked the question and said, oh, did you all repack this?
And she said, no, we haven't really even gotten in there for about three, four months. We talked a lot about it. Uh, we talked about the emotional part of what this project is going to take. We planned it out. But then we never did anything about it. And actually after a few months they decided to bring their stuff to the storage and now it's all of the stuff, you know, together.
All here, all at once. And we've done nothing with it. And that was great. You know, that's obviously what we do. It's great. And so we got to work, but here's what happened and the conversation that happened as we started to talk, the family member came in and said, yes, agree to. To coming to help, you know, because this client had said like, I, I'm going to go through all this.
Do you wanna come through it with me? Pick what you want, pick what you don't want. And what first started to happen is that family member took it upon themselves to be their coach, almost like put on the parent hat almost, uh, and started coaching them through their feelings, through what, you know, the more the emotional side.
And almost like trying to teach them about decluttering and all that. The client was just telling me how this went on for weeks and they didn't know how to tell the family member that that's not what the agreement was or why they brought them in. They brought them in so that that person could make decisions about their stuff, uh, much quicker.
They could say, yes, I want this. I don't want this mom or dad, or, you know, who, like basically a lot of us have been through this process, right? Like that's what their vision was. They came in as, as a coach, like trying to get stuff done, like a, like sergeant style. And the family member was very, very, just too much on them with trying to give them directions when they were not, that that wasn't what the client was looking for.
So as we got to talking, they started realizing that. I didn't, you know, I don't want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to be here as my companion to help me through some of these tough, tough decisions as a friend, even if I pay them, you know? But as a friend, as a listening board, because I kind of know what to do.
And that's really what ended up happening, that they were looking for a companion. And so we got into it where I said, well, did you tell 'em that? And then at the end they said, you know, yes, I did tell them that. And they said, you know, that's something that I'm not able to do with you because I don't wanna be like, if the other family member that was helping felt like they were just wasting their time because they weren't making progress fast enough.
And I think that's what can happen, right? When someone feels like they're there and they can't be of use because they have a different vision of how they can be of help. So that's how this conversation started and how I started to outline this conversation for you, because I see this quite a bit. Where family member come comes in and they try to take charge and be the coach and try to change the person and try to make all these new things and changes when the person who asked for help or needs the help, whether they asked for it or not, is really just looking for some feedback, a companion, a friend, a guidance.
Okay, so let's talk about knowing which role you're in, knowing the difference between the two. Why it matters, you know, especially for those of you in the sandwich generation and some tools for shifting your role and what I would suggest you do so that if you are in, in the coaching mindset, because that's more you, what you can do to meet them in the middle or do with something a little bit different, that would make a greater impact.
Okay. Let's get into, into the conversation. So first, what is the difference between guiding someone and coaching someone? Through their project. So guiding is more about walking alongside someone. So offering them support, helping and asking the right questions and honoring their space. So really you are a supporting role.
Like if you're watching a movie, you know that analogy, your supporting role. This isn't your movie, this is not your show, this is their show. This is their stuff. You're there to remind them of maybe what they said they wanted, like what their overall goal was as, as kindly as possible, but reminding them and moving them along.
And a coach is someone that is involved more in the structure, like the goal setting, the accountability, perhaps even a plan or a timeline. A coach can be really helpful, but it's not always welcome or appropriate if the person. With coaching you as the person trying to help can immediately get burned out.
If that is not what you both agreed to, you can get burned out because you're wasting, quote, unquote wasting your time and you're not getting paid for it. Because when you're coaching, you are not only reminding them of the, like the gentle reminders of remember what you said or, oh, I mean, is that really your style?
You know, so, you know, friend or mom or dad or you know, grandparents in coaching. You are really keeping track of the goal setting and the accountability piece, like you're keeping them on pace and it is your responsibility to do so. Some of you kiddos out there, big kids, you know, adult kids have taken that role really serious, especially if you are in multi-generational households.
Um, very predominant like in. Evident in like older siblings, like you were the eldest or one of them, or the responsible person, sibling, child of the said parents, immigrant parents. Those are always like those roles that you just feel like you are the one that's supposed to be moving stuff along. And you take on the hat of being the coach again, whether it was asked of you or not.
And some family members and loved ones will invite that and love that. But I would highly suggest, no matter what your relationship is with this person that you do ask and make sure that that's what they're looking for. Because at the end of the day when it comes to physical stuff, you are now getting rid of like part of them literally.
So we don't want that to become resentment over time and for you to get burned out, which is if you're trying to guide them. It's a responsibility you take in the moment, but you don't take it home with you and you're not supposed to be accountable for them after you finish off after a day of, of helping them.
Right? So that's kind of the difference between guiding and coaching. A couple of examples of like, or like if your dad says, I think I wanna go through these boxes this weekend. A guide like you as the guide might say something like, want me to keep you company or help you decide what's worth keeping.
But a coach, like if you're wary the responsibility hat. You are saying something like, okay, let's break this into zones and let's get through five boxes by 3:00 PM chop, chop, chop. The intentions might be good in both, but one respects readiness. Like they're, they're just there to go along the ride with whatever timeline and ride there on, but the other one imposes a timeline.
The one with the timeline has to be a mutual agreement because if it's not, again, you then end up with this resentment, and maybe even at the beginning the person might do it because they're used to you taking charge. But through time and in time it will all like the clutter will come back because they didn't really learn anything for themselves.
They didn't even get to do it themselves. Probably you may completely take charge. And so this rep, this will c repeat itself. The clutter will come back. They didn't learn anything, and you will become frustrated and resentful. Okay? Especially if you're not getting paid. Hi, cherish friends. Life can get overwhelming, especially when you're juggling caregiving, clutter and everything in between.
That's why I created the Organizing Cherish Weekly email that goes out every Wednesday straight to your inbox. To help you keep the momentum inspiration going with tips and reminders of our upcoming events, all you have to do is head on over to organize and cherish.com and sign up for the email newsletter.
It's free and you can up subscribe whenever you'd like. It's my way of helping you simplify your life and respecting memories along the way. Now, back to our show, how to Know which role. That you're in. Here's some cues that I've come up with to help you figure out if you are coaching or if you're guiding.
So a couple things that you might want to pick up on is did they ask for help or did you offer it? So did they call you and say, Stephanie, like if they were calling me Stephanie, I am overwhelmed. Can you come help me? Like, when are you available? Versus me saying to them. I see that this is out of hand. I will be there on Thursday at 3:00 PM to help you get rid of everything.
Another cue, a couple others are, are you holding them accountable to a goal or just supporting their process? So like, are you going along with whatever they can get done in an hour or five? Great. If they're saying, stop, you, stop. Or are you holding them accountable to a goal that they said they wanted to get done?
And you're keeping track. You're saying, you said you wanted to get through these five boxes by Sunday evening. It is Saturday night and we've gotten through one. Like, are you going down that route? Is your help stressing them out or are you making them feel supported? Now this one is a, it's, it's hard because all you probably want to do is have them feel supported no matter what.
No matter if you're wearing the coaching hat or the guide hat. But if you are feeling this animosity, this like stress out vibe. Then it might be time for you to step back for a minute, be the responsible one, be the one that is going to say something if they have not done so already. I mean, like the, the story of the client that I was telling you, they're the ones that kind of called it out.
The, the client did. So they actually did the other way around and they said, you know what? You're stressing me out, back off. So they may actually come and tell you if that's the case and maybe you're becoming too much of a coach. And what they wanted was a friend, a companion, a guide. If they're feeling supported and there's everyone's on good terms, then you're on this on the right track.
You don't need to change anything, but this is more if there is some misalignment. So pick up on those cues. Are you okay if it takes longer than you think it should? This is a big one. So I have a few episodes on this about timeline because when it comes to downsizing, decluttering, organizing, or any forms of those, if you don't have a direct, like a timeline that you really need to stick by and you keep track of it.
Then time can pass by very quickly and it can be overwhelming. If you're not practicing decluttering very often and saying no, then this could take a little longer, especially for your loved one. Some of these projects just take longer, and if you are starting to notice or feel like this is taking way longer than it should, you might be thinking you're a coach.
You might be thinking that I am like I am losing control of this situation, but you're taking the role on as a coach as opposed to a guide. Because helping someone you know, it means tuning into what they need, not what we think they should need. Big difference. So why does it matter, especially for our sandwich generation listeners?
You know, sandwich generation being you're right in the middle of two or three different generations, like grandparents, parents, you're kind of in the middle, and then you may have younger children you're still taking care of or they move back with you. So it could be club sandwich generation, right? So you're somewhere in the middle, so you're most likely doing both.
You're decluttering your own life. While also managing the emotional and physical belongings of your parents or your loved ones. And that makes it even more important to ask yourself, am I guiding with compassion or am I coaching with control? Because you may not even want to be the coach, okay? So if they didn't ask for it, why are you volunteering?
And if it's because you're trying to move it along and get stuff done, well that's not your decision to make because it's not your stuff. If you are financially responsible for maybe if you're paying the storage, the mortgage, or you know that. There's trouble, uh, brewing here and we need to move it along, then you need to have that conversation with them.
But you still need to ask, do you want me to coach you through this, to help you through this and have a little bit of control? Or are you looking for a friend or compa, you know, companion, and then you need to be okay with one or the other. And if you're not, talk it through with them. Or I'll have a, I do have a few suggestions that I have in just a second because there, I know well, too, well that there are those scenarios with parents and loved ones, especially culturally where it's a little bit different than, um, you may be used to that.
You just don't, you just don't wanna go there. You just don't even want to talk about it. Bring this up so I have some tips for you if you're in that situation. Okay. So.
When you're in coach mode and someone just needs a steady hand, it can lead to that resistance, that shame, slower progress because they're seeing you as like a parent to coach, like a, like a teacher that's watching over them damaged relationships. And when you're a guide, they're, it can also lead to frustration though, because if they're thinking you are going to do the work for them.
Then they may get frustrated because they're like, well, you are here chit-chatting away. Because they could also turn the other way. Right? Like they're thinking they wanted a coach. They wanted you do. You are just taking breaks all the time. You are just talking about, you know what you did this weekend.
You are taking phone calls. You are lacking momentum, you missed goals, and you're over here like, I'm just here to guide. I'm just here to be a friend. I didn't know I was taking on a coaching job. Good to be on the same page for both of you. So here are some ways to adapt and, and be more effective when you are in a role that you don't want to be in, or your loved one does not want you to be in.
So some of those are going to be centered around asking really good questions that are quick and easy so you don't dive too much into the emotional side, especially like emotional trauma because then, then old history comes back. If especially a loved one, they may come back and say, well, you are always like this, you know, and you just don't, you don't.
Let's just avoid all that. There are some open-ended questions that tend to be a little bit more straightforward and doesn't get into the the old business trauma field immediately asking, what are their goals? What do you want to keep? Is this something that I can help you with? Knowing what you know of me Sometimes offering choices as you're going along and you're seeing those frustrations, not instead of ultimatum will be really helpful.
So it's, it's questions like, would you like to do this door now or tomorrow? You are giving them timelines, but it's on their own, at their own pace. Reflecting back on those goals and going over those goals is going to be one of the most important questions to ask. It's the, you said you wanted space to work out, or your craft room.
Does this pile help or get in the way of that? And it's like re go. Going back to what they initially asked you for and it reminds you of their goal so that you can also step back and be there as supportive as possible. Protecting your boundaries too, and protecting your time because you don't want to be there all the time, especially if they don't want you there.
Right. Sometimes silence is really important. Progress isn't just physical. Mental sorting is real. Um, so we call this like just kind of respecting silence. So not everybody wants to talk things through. Another big difference between that coaching and just being there for that person, like guiding them, right?
Uh, some people just want a person there for accountability, especially neurodivergence who want like a body double, but they don't necessarily want you to be talking and making this about that, about you. Picking up on those cues is going to be really important. And if you're starting to see that they're getting frustrated, maybe say, Hey, do you, um, would a little bit of silence help?
Um, I can put on my, my, you know, air AirPods or headphones and we can do this in silence, if that helps. So, you know, try those approaches as well. So let's not forget though, as we're starting to kind of wrap our episode for this week up, that you might be the one needing support as well. And the same rules do apply.
Do. Got the guidance through it as you're making these choices, or do you need a coach? And what I want to mention is there are people out there who can help you that don't have to take your role on, and this isn't a pitch to come in, hire a pro organizer like me or like us, or you know, any of my amazing colleagues.
It's more about self-awareness that you don't have, well, you don't have to do it alone. You also can play a little bit of both and see where, what they need as you go along and get the right help for that one particular area. We'll give you an example so that I'm not so vague. Some clients need help with certain like sentimental areas.
Some places are harder for some people than others. Clothing is a big one, right? If there were so many life changes and weight changes and they had all these goals for their life, and then some of them were not met, so that becomes a very emotional part of their home that they need to downsize and declutter.
They might be embarrassed to do it with you. So offering the choices of, Hey, I can help you with the entire, you know your everything you need. But if there's ever a place that you feel not as comfortable doing with me, do you think we can bring someone else to do it with us? Whether it's another family member, another friend, or hiring someone?
Okay, so, so don't forget that you don't have to hire the entire project out. You can also pick and choose what you're noticing is. A trigger point, traumatic, embarrassing, and get help for that part of it. Uh, again, clothing is one of those spaces. Kitchens tend to be one of those spaces. Bathrooms are another one.
So start off with a place that is simple for them and then gain their trust. Gain some momentum. See what hat you are able to wear. You might find that you can coach other people, but you can't coach this person. And so help them where you can and bring help where you think that someone else could have a better set of eyes to move the progress in the project.
Along that is it for our week. I hope this episode helped you and motivated you in your organizing, decluttering, or downsizing project. We love to hear from you. I do love getting your updates on how you're doing your before and after your video. Some of you just sent me updates on how it's going every drawer.
Sometimes it's like a small drawer, sometimes it's like a whole room or closet. I love it. I'm here to encourage you and would love to help you along the way, so don't forget to tag us and or just send me a message so I can cheer you on. Until next week, happy organizing. Thank you for listening to the Organized and Cherish podcast with the Organized Flamingo.
If you enjoy today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast player. It helps others discover our show. For full show notes, resources, and more organizing inspiration, visit www.theorganizedflamingo.com/podcast. Until next time, happy organizing.
