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135: When Helping Someone Declutter Feels Lonely

In this episode, we turn our attention to the often-overlooked emotional experience of helping someone else declutter, downsize, or organize. Whether you're supporting a parent, a partner, or a friend, this type of work—while full of love—can also be incredibly isolating. We're diving into why it feels so heavy, what resources are available, and how to care for yourself as you care for others. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed or alone in this role, this episode is a reminder that you're not the only one navigating it and you don’t have to do it without support.

In this episode we talk about:

  • Why supporting someone else's decluttering process can feel emotionally isolating
  • The difference between organizing for yourself and organizing with/for someone else
  • Resources and strategies that can lighten the emotional and practical load

Mentioned in this Episode:

Review full show notes and resources at https://theorganizedflamingo.com/podcast

Review Transcript:

 Hey friends. Welcome back to Organizing Cherish. Today's episode is for those of you doing one of the hardest, most heartfelt jobs, and that's helping someone else declutter. Downsize, or move. Whether you're supporting a parent, a grandparent, a partner, a neighbor, or a close friend, you are doing important, meaningful work, and it can also feel really, really lonely.

So this episode is a reminder that you are not alone and that it's okay to ask for help even when you are the one who's supposed to be quote unquote helping, right? So I'm gonna give you some resources. I'm gonna give you some tips on how to avoid that as much as possible, uh, when you're feeling a little, you know, just, not just alone, but how to ask for help and then some resources that I think might be of help to you.

Okay, so here we go.

Welcome to the Organized and Cherish podcast with the Organized Flamingo. I am your host Stephanie, your compassionate and deficient professional organizer. Whether you are part of the sandwich generation helping a loved one declutter, or just trying to simplify life, this is the place for you. Together we will tackle those overwhelming piles of stuff, uncover purpose in what we keep, and let go with dignity and care, because it's not just about throwing everything away, it's about respecting memories and simplifying life.

Sound like a plan? Let's jump in and get organized. So earlier this year I attended the annual Nap o summit, which is the, uh, association that I belong to, and they have an annual summer, uh, summit, although now it's, I think every other year than one will be virtual. Anyway, that's besides a point where organizers, you know, we all gather around the world and we all get together, and in almost every hall hallway conversation, breakout session and dinner chat, one topic kept coming up.

That was how isolating it can feel to help someone else go through their stuff. So we were all talking about how that's been one of the most common themes, but how we felt it as well, because I don't know if you know this, but organizers, pro organizers that do this for a living declutters, you know, that have made this their, not just their study, but also their business.

You know, we have family as well and, and people that we are helping in our own lives. So we were talking about it both in our work, how that has been one of the biggest themes and also in our personal lives. And even with the best of intentions, it's so easy to feel stuck between those two realities that you want to honor someone's memories and make thoughtful decisions, right?

Like you're, you're trying to move the project along. You know you need a plan, you need time and. Emotional support of your own, like you need to refuel your own cup before you can give it to someone else. So anyway, that became a really big topic, again, because we're facing it both from the business side, personal side.

Now today I'm talking about it if you are going through this on a personal side, but just know that you're not alone, that even the professionals go through this. We have firsthand experience as well in this, in this topic. So let's talk about that. If you are in between that feeling. That, that's where the overwhelm starts to grow, and we want to try to avoid that as much as possible, or acknowledge it, feel it, but also try to move past it as quickly and thoughtfully as possible so you don't come back to that same place, same space.

So that's what we're talking about today. So here's some of the reasons why this kind of support will feel really heavy and really hard, like when you're helping other people go through this. First, you're, you're navigating emotions that are not yours, but you still feel them. A couple things happen, and that I've noticed is that when you are not doing this on a professional level, right, and so you're, you're helping a loved one, your parent or grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, whatever, friends.

There's a lot of their emotions in the storytelling. Um, you uncover a lot of emotions that you may not have been familiar with you. Maybe some of these emotions are on the replay button, like they talk about the story all the time. But all of those emotions get talked about again and again and again when you're going through this process, and even if it's the first time you've heard them.

They will pop up in different parts of the the journey because they'll first uncover like the, they first will hold the item and it'll remind them of something, and then that will trigger another memory and they'll come back to the original item in place and they'll start piecing all these puzzle pieces together on their own.

These emotions. You're listening and you're trying to help and you're trying to move things along, and sometimes it'll be a really hard emotion like sadness and those traumatic type of emotions that may pop up. Not all of them are happy. Some are very happy and joyous, and because of that, they're trying to keep more stuff right?

So now you're navigating all of this, all of this emotion that is not yours, but you see it affecting your loved one and you want to do something about it. So you're feeling them firsthand right there. And then another reason is you're making decisions with someone who might not, not always be ready, even if you are absorbing and listening to these stories and now they've kind of become yours.

Well, at the end of the day, these items are not yours. You're acknowledging the memory. Uh, you can see how it's affecting them. You might even again, be absorbing some of this feeling that is not yours. But because the stuff is not actually yours, you don't have that emotional connection that they do, and they may not be ready while you are trying to make decisions for them.

So it becomes really hard and it becomes like this, trying to solve the problem for them that is obvious to you, but might not be so obvious to them, and that could be very hard. Another reason is you're expected to be efficient even when there's grief, maybe family dynamics or decades of belonging in the mix.

They're expecting you to be the one to help them make those very efficient decisions, and you might not be emotionally or professionally prepared to deal with some of this like grief, grief. You know, if you're not around it all the time, I mean, you, you can only do so much. And even if you are the best with your words and the most comforting, and that might be your calling to comfort people in their grief.

If you don't do this as a profession or all the time, you may get stuck in the cycle and not be able to do both at the same time. Make them feel better, but also move the project along. Family dynamics, I mean. There's a reason why there's therapist and couple therapy and family therapy and, uh, mediators that deal with family dynamics because that in itself is, it's a project in itself.

So if you are trying again, to battle and be efficient in the decluttering and making decisions and be intentional and helping them through, and you're also trying to put the hat on of the family therapist, well, that is just really hard. So there's a study by a RP, the, the A A RP Public Policy Institute that found that 36% of family caregivers report feeling isolated because they can't, they're not able to talk about.

What they are going through with someone else, because it's not really their trauma, but now you are acquiring new feelings, new motions, new storylines. I'll tell you a quick story here about, I have a client who, their sister passed away and she, you know, didn't, did not marry, did not have children and whatnot, so most of the items were left to her family and Fri uh, her family, her other siblings, in other words.

Anyway, so they, but they had not, I mean, they were in touch and they, they saw each other often, um, but they really didn't know how much stuff she had. Right. So anyway, they came in and they realized it uncovered a lot of, a lot of stories. Some were very not great from their past, things that their ancestors might have been involved with.

And so this, the, one of the siblings kept a, a book about it, about all the things not great things, bad things that their, some of their family members had been, um, accused of and or actually were convicted of. So anyway, she, she kept this memory book about that and they, as we went through all their stuff, they uncovered it.

They had no idea. And what happened was they, you know, we uncovered it, we showed it to them, and. Now they're helping each other try to decide what to keep and what to let go of, right? Because it's all the siblings try to make decisions about, okay, well how do, do, do we keep this, do we notd? Do we pass this on to other family members and whatnot?

Anyway, they were feeling so isolated. They, they didn't know who to talk to. What do we report this? Do we keep this to our, like, that's just, that is so much to uncover right there. And they were feeling really alone because they felt like they could not talk about this with anyone else. So that halted a big part of this process.

We eventually reconvened and we finished the rest of the project, but that really halted them because then they didn't know, well, first they didn't know what they were in for. Like, do we continue, you know, what else will, will we uncover? Uh, what would she have wanted us to do? And there was just so many questions, but that isolation was immediate.

It was like, okay, um, alright, let me, let me try to figure this out. I don't know what to do with this information. So if you're feeling like that or anything similar, I mean, the person may, you may be helping this person while they're alive, and you also might be feeling like you are doing this on your own.

Like there's no support for you because you don't know who to tell. You don't know if they would understand. I'm here to tell you that there are people out there that do understand and can help you navigate through that. So don't ever feel like you are that alone, so much so that you don't do anything about it.

And now you're carrying all that, all that emotion and all of that clutter physically, uh, literally, you know, or mentally. And that number starts to climb when tasks involved, emotionally charged decisions like organizing and downsizing like that, 36% of of being isolated is just feeling like you're alone in the process.

But then when you add all the other other elements that come with being a caregiver that you forget about again, like decluttering and organizing and downsizing, you know, you, that number starts to get bigger and bigger. Hi, cherish friends. Life can get overwhelming. Especially when you're juggling caregiving, clutter and everything in between.

That's why I created the Organized and Cherish weekly email. That goes out every Wednesday straight to your inbox to help you keep the momentum inspiration going with tips and reminders of our upcoming events. All you have to do is head on over to organize and cherish.com and sign up for the email newsletter.

It's free and you can up subscribe whenever you'd like. It's my way of helping you simplify your life and respecting memories along the way. Now back to our show. So this work is emotional labor, full stop. And if you're doing it quietly or solo low or in short burst between your own responsibilities, it makes sense that you're feeling stretched thin.

I'm here to, you know, kind of guide you through and remind you that you deserve that support as well. So let's normalize that. You can be supportive, organized, that compassionate helper that they. Needed. That's why they probably asked you for help. That's why you became the person responsible for this, right?

But you can also still feel lost. That's not a contradiction. That's just being human. And there are resources out there that can help you with this. There's of course, people like US organizers, professional organizers, professional declutters, mental health practitioners, um, but anyone who you do ask help for the whole purpose and point, hopefully, is that they're trying to help without overstepping.

So try to find someone that you know, can help without. Adding their own, I mean, you know, their opinion here and there is fine, and especially if you're welcoming of it, absolutely. But there's a difference between them sharing their allowed opinion because you are allowing that and overspent, overstepping.

So we really need good boundaries. So choose a person whether you hire them or uh, in your immediate circle that are really good with boundaries and you feel comfortable that they will not be overstepping. Find someone that is wanting to be compassionate without enabling clutter. Really important. I have so many people that have come to us that try to do this with a a, a friend.

The problem here is that the friend was so compassionate that they enabled clutter. That is something that when I was, you know, trying to rebrand and, and think of words that really represented the organized flamingo, compassionate always came up. I mean, everyone community, when we do our surveys, compassionate is, is the number one word that describes.

I was a little bit hesitant to use it for so long because I did not want anybody to think that we were enabling bad clutter, not just being messy, you know, messy is one thing, but actual clutter that was unhealthy for your mind and or your space. Right. And so I, I struggled with that, but, um, that's my way of saying to you, when you are picking someone that is compassionate and you need that in your life again, because you don't always need the, the person pushing you and being the hard coach, okay?

So if you're looking for someone that's compassionate, make sure though that they're not enabling you and or your loved ones to create those bad habits that got them to where they are to begin with. Okay? We don't want that enabling behavior and that they're doing it outta love, even when it's hard.

This was a hard one because for me to add, because not everyone is going to want to help you. Um, I'm, I'm talking more, especially if you're using someone in your immediate circle. Um, so this is where you try to hire someone that loves what they do because they can step outside of the everyday conversations or drama or situation and do this because they love what they do.

If you do pick someone from your immediate circle. To, you know, pick somebody that you know really loves doing this. Um, it's not just another chore, even when it gets really hard because you're going to need that person as part of your team, uh, because you are probably going to get to a point where it's so hard, you are not loving what's going on at all.

Um, so you want someone to help you along, pick you up when you need it and remind you that, you know, you were the chosen one to do this because. X, Y, Z reasons, um, but that they are doing it out of love again, even when it's hard because it's going to get hard for you and you don't need somebody that is, you are needing to pick up.

'cause that's defeats the entire purpose. So here are some US-based organizations that can, um, you can check out for support. What I'm gonna do is I'm actually going to put them in the blog post that goes with this episode. You can always find our episodes over@theorganizedflamingo.com slash podcast, and our transcripts are there as well.

I'm going to name a couple here in this conversation, but I want you to go head over to the episode, um, so that you can, you know, go to the website or, or check them out if you need it. Some of them are anything to do with like family caregiving alliances. There is actually, um, caregiver.org. That's a really big one.

Um, they give you resources for emotional and logistical support for caregivers. It includes support groups. So I feel like that's a really good one. Um, a lot of that talking through really is helpful when it comes to dealing with other people's stuff because there's a lot of emotion and emotional baggage that comes with inheriting a lot of stuff.

So I want make, or if you're helping someone doing it, do it right now. Talking to others that are going through something similar is really helpful. A RP Family caregiving. It's through, I think aarp.org/caregiving. They offer a practical advice, all the legal tips that comes with it as well, and then of course, personal stories and whatnot, but that they're a really good resource as well.

There's also also the National Association of Senior Move Managers. NASM is, it's also known as. They're a directory of professionals who specialize in senior moves and downsizing. So if you are dealing with specifically seniors, that's a really good one. Uh, and then there's a couple others that I'll list over in the, on the blog post.

Okay? So here's your reminder for the week. Helping someone doesn't mean you have to do it alone. You are allowed to need support or to take breaks and not know what to do next. Being human. So if you're overwhelmed, take five minutes. To explore some of the resources, see if they can maybe help. Um, maybe you can align with others so it doesn't feel so lonely.

If it's hard for you to ask for help. Some of these national organizations can be a way for you to not necessarily ask your neighbor or people that you know, you can go ask people that are outside of your circle to get some guidance or just be there emotionally. Just sometimes you just need, you just need to talk it through with others so that you don't feel alone.

So if you don't have a professional organizer to approach this with, um, like you do with us here, and you, you know, you want to check out any of these resources, I would highly recommend it. Okay? Just know that you're not alone. And again, head on over to our website. You can either go to the organized flamingo.com/podcast.

Under this episode, you can al also go to the resources section of our website, um, and we have other resources there, like questions to ask before you begin. A really great workbook. A mini workbook for you to have when you are starting up, uh, a project with a loved one. So it's going to guide you through questions to ask them before you begin to make sure you know, you know what you're getting yourself into.

Um, you're a little bit more prepared, um, how to set boundaries with love and what to do when you're stuck. So we have a couple of strategies over there on the resource and freebie section. Okay. Until next week, happy organizing. Thank you for listening to the Organized and Cherish podcast with the Organized Flamingo.

If you enjoy today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast player. It helps others discover our show. For full show notes, resources, and more organizing inspiration, visit www.theorganizedflamingo.com/podcast. Until next time, happy organizing.

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