When it comes to organizing shared belongings—whether it’s downsizing a parent’s home or handling an estate—family tensions can run high. Sentimental value, long-standing family dynamics, and unclear expectations often lead to disagreements about what stays, what goes, and who gets what.
In this episode, Stephanie shares a professional organizer’s perspective on how to navigate these moments with clarity, fairness, and compassion. From setting expectations before the process begins to managing disputes in real-time, this episode offers actionable strategies to keep family relationships intact while making progress.
Whether trying to prevent conflicts before they arise or dealing with tension in the middle of the process, this conversation provides valuable insights for anyone facing family disputes over belongings.
In This Episode, We Talk About:
- Why family disputes over belongings happen and how emotions, fairness, and decision-making play a role.
- How to set expectations before organizing shared belongings to reduce conflict before it starts.
- What to do if tensions rise mid-process and how to de-escalate disputes while still making progress.
Mentioned in This Episode:
- Episode
- Strategies for fairly dividing sentimental items when multiple family members want the same thing.
- Tips for mediating family disputes when disagreements arise over inherited or shared belongings.
Review full show notes and resources at https://theorganizedflamingo.com/podcast
Review Transcript:
Hey there, welcome back to Organize and Cherish. I'm Stephanie, your host. And this week we're talking all about avoiding family disputes when you're actually trying to take action on belongings. So maybe you're helping a parent downsize. Or you're sorting through things after a loved one has passed or moved away or has moved on to a different place and left behind a whole lot of stuff in the storage room, right?
You start making progress when suddenly a family member who wasn't even involved in the process has strong opinions about what should happen. If this sounds familiar, then you're not alone and you're in the right place. Because inheritance and sentimental belongings are one of the biggest sources of family tension.
But the good news is that there are ways to navigate these moments without the drama that I hope will help you in the process that we have seen work. And just a kind reminder and a friendly reminder that our thoughts on this podcast, unless we have a host or unless I tell you otherwise that the research came from somewhere else, this is based on our 20 plus years of research.
of experience working with individuals in these scenarios. So I'm giving you firsthand what our experience has been, what we have gathered from the data of us doing this for other people. So Let's go ahead and talk about what causes some of these conflicts, what we have seen, why it's come up, why they happen, and what you can do to avoid them before they even start.
Let's get to it.
Welcome to the Organized and Cherished podcast. with the Organized Flamingo. I am your host, Stephanie, your compassionate and efficient professional organizer. Whether you are part of the sandwich generation, helping a loved one to clutter, or just trying to simplify life, this is the place for you.
Together we will tackle those overwhelming piles of stuff, uncover purpose in what we keep, And let go with dignity and care because it's not just about throwing everything away, it's about respecting memories and simplifying life. Sound like a plan? Let's jump in and get organized. Okay. So let's start with a reality check.
So why does stuff, physical items create so much tension? As a professional organizer in this field, I've seen firsthand how objects. Transcripts aren't just objects. They hold memories, emotions, and history. I've talked about this at length during our two plus years of podcast episodes, and in our content, in our blog posts, and if you've ever met with me in person, I've talked about this.
So, it's really no surprise that this is one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about educating people on the meaning behind the stuff. Because sometimes it's just more than the face value of the item, there's so many memories and emotions and history that make it really hard for people to deal with the stuff, the physical stuff.
So, that's why family disputes over belongings are so common, because it's One of those, you know, with memories, emotions, and history and all of that, there could be trauma, there could be memories and stories that were never told, and there's more to the story. And so then it becomes harder to address because it's sensitive, because you might have or be fearful of hurting people's feelings, you might have guilt, et cetera, et cetera.
So, you know, objects are just not objects in this case. And what I've learned so far over the years about why conflicts arise when it comes to things, it kind of comes down to these three top reasons in no particular order. There are many more, but these are the ones that I have seen the most and through my personal journaling and just seeing and populating the reasons why people have conflicts over stuff is these, are these three top reasons.
Okay. So, the first one is there's different emotional attachments. The second is old family dynamics are resurfacing, and the third is a lack of clarity in decision making. So, let's talk about the first one, the different emotional attachments. One person may see an item as clutter, while the other one sees it as a priceless heirloom.
I know you know what I'm talking about. I've worked with so many families where one sibling is ready to donate mom's old dining set, while the other one sees it as the centerpiece of their childhood. And then from there, we just start to spiral, and now it becomes personal, and you know, the conflict goes from there.
The second Is that, is the old family dynamics are resurfacing. So if a family has already passed tension, you know, it's kind of in their past, maybe, maybe in the moment it's not a hot topic, but it's there and it never got resolved. Sorting through belongings can bring up old wounds. So sometimes a dispute isn't really about the item, it's about unresolved feelings.
Maybe about favoritism, fairness, or who was closer to the loved one. This one right here is where the perception of the of value of the thing can come up. So they may think they meaning whatever relative you are having the conflict with, may think that that table is worth, it's a collector's items. They believe that it's worth way more than it really is, or maybe it is worth a lot of money.
But then that is where that tension comes. And old favoritism, topics, trauma, things that just were never fully cleared, will really start to come up. I mean, we've talked, you know, there's the song, the, there's a more money, more problems. There's the saying, right? Like, especially when it comes to money, then you really get to see some of these conflicts resurface.
The third one of the lack of clarity in decision making. So when there's no real plan, like no clear plan in place for who gets what. It can create confusion and resentment because there's just no, there's no reading the person's mind that left you with all this stuff, whether they're living or not. Okay, so now it just becomes this, uh, very gray area and you don't want to hurt feelings.
Um, you know, you're not sure what the person really wanted to do, or you don't want the other person, whether it's siblings or loved ones or, you know, cousins, whatever it may be. Maybe you, you don't want them to, you just can't make a decision, in other words. Um, there is a legal shield study found that 90 percent of Americans believe having a will is important.
90%. So most of you, most of us believe that yes, having a will and being super clear about stuff and where you want your stuff to go is important. But less than half, I think it's like 48%. Actually have one. So you think it's important, but you don't actually make any action plan. So now if you've been in a situation where you're actively trying to organize, declutter, or distributed belongings, what can you do to avoid these conflicts?
Let's talk about it. Okay? So if any of these three reasons or anything similar to what I just said sounds familiar, let's talk about how to avoid these family disputes. While organizing shared belongings, or maybe they are yours. I mean, it doesn't mean that you're sharing the actual ownership of them. It can also be that you just want them to have input.
Okay. So proactive planning and communication can prevent most of the disputes before they even start. And I think we kind of all know that, um, in the back of our minds. I don't want to talk about that part at length. And we also don't want to talk about the financial aspect of it. Like when there is perceived value, we have made and recorded many podcast episodes about what happens when you have a perceived value of an item and what to do with it.
Like, what should you keep? What should you toss? We even have a decision tree over in our freebie corner. So if you go to the organized flamingo. com slash resources, you can see our, our, um, keep or toss decision trees. We have two right now. And one of them kind of walks you through, okay, if something is worth more than not.
So we're not talking about that because we've talked about it in length. But as a professional organizer, I'm going to give you some of these strategies that I recommend when working with your families. When you're not on the same page and you're trying to avoid the conflict, okay, not, but, but not because the conflict is about the perceived financial value.
I'll talk about it a little bit, but if you want details on, okay, what happens when we're not agreeing on what something is worth, then you can head on over to those episodes. So first it's to get everyone on the same page before you start. The second is use a fair and visible process for dividing items.
And I'll talk about these at length, okay? The third is to document everything. And the fourth is involve a neutral third party if needed. And then if in doubt, take photos before letting go. So like the fifth one is kind of a bonus because I don't know if that necessarily works for everybody, but I suggest it, but it's not as important, if you will, as the other four.
But if you can, definitely do. So let's talk about it in length. Okay. So get everyone on the same page before you start. If possible, have a conversation before you begin sorting through things. I mean, truly, before. Set clear expectations, like questions to be asking, like, who is making the final decisions?
What's the goal? Are we donating, dividing, selling? Are we voting on items? Are there any non negotiables? Part of the setting clear expectations is letting everyone know what the legality of all this is. If there was a will, if there were very clear directions about where the stuff is going or maybe the person is still alive and they have clearly stated that they want you to all figure it out, put that in writing and make it super clear.
So Cool. In the set clear expectations, like step one, like get everyone on the same page, is what are the facts? The fact is that there is a will. The fact is that there is no will. The fact is that Aunt Susie said this. She, you can contact her at this phone number at this city, if they're still able to clearly discuss and talk about all these items.
So set the clear expectations, what the facts are, and then from there, What you are all agreeing to so that you all can be clear about it. After that, use a fair, invisible process for dividing items. So, you know, there so many studies, but one of the studies from this legal team, I believe it's like L-L-L-P-H, they said that a, they that about 44% of inherited disputes in both siblings and or anybody that lived together and they, they see the person that has left behind all this stuff as the parent figure.
Okay. So something to that effect. So to prevent this. Use a system like taking turns choosing items. So after you have the clear expectations, make sure you state, how is it that you will be choosing items? Are you taking turns? Set the ground rules. Like there's no claiming items that weren't important to you before.
You know, if you've never seen this item before, you can't claim it. That goes in a different pile. Like just have some kind of system that you all have agreed to. And then, of course, there's a, you know, if you can, like, make a list, have everyone write down what matters to them most and work from there. I have seen this a couple of times, actually.
Work really well. So what one sibling did was ask everyone, hey, from what you remember. What are things that you're interested in? And they would write, and everyone wrote down their list, and actually they extended it to grandkids as well. So this was stuff that if they didn't, you know, that they remembered.
So if they didn't remember it, then it may not be on top of their list. If we're getting technical over, you know, they may not even know that some, that their mom or their parent or their loved one left them behind something, they might not even know, maybe something was in a box, you open it and then you realize like, oh, this is clearly for, for, you know, so and so, so don't be unfair either, but a good way to have like a starting point is let the group of people Use their own memory and what they felt was special to them.
What did they see? What were, what did they see that was special to them? What do they remember was special to them? What conversations do they have with their loved one that they, that others may not have known to take into consideration? So have them write those things down. So then from the here, the third, you know, way to kind of maybe avoid this, like a step that you can take is to document everything.
So keep written agreements, even informal ones about who gets what. So once you go through all these steps. I'm making a list of seeing what your process is going to be, setting clear expectations. Write it down. People forget sometimes and when there is emotional circumstances like the distribution of items that are very emotional from a loved one, especially if they're no longer in your lives or and or if they will, everyone believes that, you know, that like your aunt that was very rich had, um, all these things that were, you know, worth something.
You know, emotions just, like, run high, so make sure that you have some kind of agreements. And if something does have monetary value, have it appraised and then fairly distributed. This is a reminder for all of you that this conversation is all about how to avoid the complex. Most specifically, if you don't have some kind of agreement.
So there was already a will that said what everyone is getting, then that is not my department for all, for you to figure out how to distribute the things that were not promised to you or to someone else. Okay. So if whoever it is already said, I want to give all this stuff to, you know, to so and so I won't say a specific name so nobody feels like they're being called out, but to so and so.
Then, then it goes to so and so, I mean that stuff belongs to the person and they decided to give it to so and so and then you, you know, you go from there. If you're trying to dispute that, consider talking to a lawyer or some legal advice, which is not us, okay? Um, so this is all about if the person did not leave some kind of will, you're not sure, or you're trying to be fair.
Even if you are the proud owner of all this stuff, and storage rooms, and basement, and homes, and, and dusty stuff, but you were trying to, you know, distribute and to share because you, because you may not be able to take it all, and you might just need to, to share it. You just can't take another household from somebody else.
Hi, cherished friends. Life can get overwhelming. Especially when you're juggling caregiving, clutter, and everything in between. That's why I created the Organize and Cherish Weekly Email that goes out every Wednesday straight to your inbox. To help you keep the momentum inspiration going with tips and reminders of our upcoming events, all you have to do is head on over to organize and cherish.com and sign up for the email newsletter.
It's free and you can up subscribe whenever you'd like. It's my way of helping you simplify your life and respecting memories along the way. Now, back to our show. Okay, so if that's the case. Have some, and if there is something of monetary value that you're all kind of seeing, might be worth more, or you're not sure, really, just have it appraised.
But document everything, via email, um, by writing and have people sign, whatever feels the most comfortable to you. Okay, the fourth step is to involve a neutral third party if needed. So if emotions are running high, sometimes an outside perspective can help. It can. Definitely be like an estate planner, an attorney, even a professional organizer that specializes in conflict resolution.
There are a few of us that do this. They can step in to facilitate the conversation and help with decision making. Because here's the thing. These professionals will be able to help each individual that is having a hard time deciding. They are, they will be able to ask the right questions. So some of those right questions that, um, that I have asked people is.
When I see that there's like an item that all of a sudden surfaced and everybody wants it, but you can tell that everyone has like different reasons as to why they want to keep it. So we'll ask questions like, we'll have an exercise over. Why do you want to keep it? Like, what does this mean to you? We have had some families are, are very gamified type of families.
So the best story wins, um, if you want to be, you know, cheeky about it. Um, but if this is more of a serious type of family dynamic and you really don't have the time or bandwidth to be cheeky and fun and gamifying it, a third party can help you decide, okay, you know, almost like keep tabs, like, okay, this person got this thing.
So and so got this, you know, two things, but the other person got like a bigger thing. And then they can kind of help you decide what's fair or as fair as possible. So involve a neutral third party whenever needed. Healthcare professionals like a therapist could also help. It's more about mediating in this case, less so than talk therapy.
You can definitely go the talk therapy route if you think there's trauma involved in these conversations. But usually talk therapy is more about the. Again, the like, the trauma piece of it, talking it through to make some decisions, that might take longer than you want it to. So that's why I suggest anybody that's kind of like an immediate 18.
Uh, field that can help you ask the right questions and then make the right decision based on what you are all trying to achieve. The bonus tip that I had for you is whenever in doubt, take photos before letting go. So not everyone can take home every item, but a digital memory lasts a long time. So sometimes It's all about the memory, like the story, and so taking pictures might alleviate that.
I had a family recently, their parents, both of them downsized, they moved to a senior living facility and their health was deteriorating very quickly. So they were dealing with that, right, but they left their home, like they, they actually left their home as is, they did not take much with them, and you know, so the house was left like as is, like everything was still, you know, picture frames, couches, bedding, like everything was there.
So there was only one sibling. One of the siblings that lived close by, so they, you know, she was able to go in and she called me and we went through the house and everything. So what we did is we did digitize most everything. Some of the stuff we grouped together, like, you know, if it was a big shelf of books and we just said science books or religious books or, you know, put it in categories.
So, we didn't necessarily do every single item, but we, we did go with the video, with the camera, we took video, we took pictures, and then we took inventory. And then sent that spreadsheet to the family that was all out of state. And then they picked what they wanted and then they went from there. So they, they took it that way.
And so, you know, doing, taking photos and digitizing or inventory might help with all of this. Now we have an entire episode, I have like one or two about inventorying your stuff. So if you want to go down that route, I'll put it in the show notes, but just be careful with this one because it does take a lot of time and it takes effort, right?
So just make sure that it's, you're doing it because. You feel like it's worth it. You feel like there's family members, loved ones, friends that would want to keep and have some of this stuff before you do all that effort and then nobody wants it. And then you just put in all this effort. So kind of get a feel and make sure that it's going to be worth your time.
So what happens? If you're already knee deep in organizing and family disputes pop up. So here's how to handle it without losing momentum. 1. Pause and acknowledge the emotion. 2. Use a cooling off period. 3. Offer compromises. 4. Remember that relationships are more valuable than stuff. Now let's break it down.
Instead of saying, it's just a sweater, why do you care? Try something along the lines of, I can see that this means a lot to you, can you tell me why? Because understanding someone's emotional connection can help you find a solution. This is the pause and acknowledge the emotion part. But I also understand that it can be very heavy for you.
So this is where bringing a mediator or a third party can help. So that there is someone that is neutrally, also non emotionally, exhausted from everything, right? Can come in and give you some, a different perspective. But the pause and acknowledge the emotion is important because whoever you're trying to avoid the arguments with they may have more of a story that you had no idea about, and as the keeper, as the person in charge of this project, that is one of the heavy responsibilities to have to take.
And if you don't have the bandwidth to do this, then this is where that third party might help. They use a cooling off period. So if things get tense, take a break. I think this one sounds obvious, but sometimes we don't actually do it. We just get so heated and it just continues and continues and continues.
So, get a friend to help you with this part. Maybe your spouse, maybe people that you trust. If you're feeling like emotions are heightened, This is a good time to maybe take a break, tell the person, hey, let's just revisit this next week. If you're in a time crunch, just make that a, like a deadline, you know, hey, can we address this by tomorrow?
I think right now we're just both in, we have a lot of motions going on. Let's, let's cool off for a minute. Come back to the conversation later with a fresh perspective. I've seen this work wonders and actually in practice work. So not just because the professionals or. You know, the top tip, say, to like cool off.
I mean, truly, especially when it comes to physical things. Those physical things actually physically and mentally daunting, like they're heavy, even if it's like a piece of paper, when you're holding it, there is this weight, actual physical weight to it. Could be like I said, like a super light thing, like a piece of paper, and of course it can get heavier from there.
But those things are very heavy to have to deal with and decide, and your executive functions and having to say yes and no to things and make all these decisions can be really daunting. So cool off for a minute, take a break, and then come back to it. So offer some compromises for the next one. If multiple people want the same item, consider some alternatives.
We've got, you know, a whole list of them. Um, I actually should make a resource for all of you, some of the top compromises that we have found have worked for people, but some of them are, some of the top ones that I've noted down here was, can it be passed down on rotation, so can you share the item, uh, maybe there's a really beautiful painting you all wanted, maybe that's something that every, every year you all take turns and rotate it, can one person keep the item while another Get similar, get the similar meaningful item.
So can you compromise that way? Like, if you get the watch, can I get the, you know, two pairs, you know, the pair of earrings or something like that? I've actually, okay, so I know we, I said I wasn't going to talk a lot about the financial aspect of it, but I'm going to tell you some that A jeweler gave me and then we implemented it with a client and it worked really well.
So this is different families, okay, so might not work for you, but give it a try or just listen and give it a try and see if this is like a good try for you. But what they did is they weighed the gold. So we're talking about gold here, especially so this particular family was having a really hard time distributing or figuring out what to do with the jewelry.
So the jewelry was just sitting in a storage bin for forever. And eventually they were transported, they took it to the bank, they paid some fees there just to store it, and then finally when they needed to make a decision, they got it out. And what the jeweler said was, why don't we weigh the actual gold and make it fair that way, because what was happening is somebody wanted like a, a bracelet and the earrings and like how do you measure which one's more or less or whatever.
So what they decided to do is actually go and quantify the materials, and then they distributed it that way. So then can it, or maybe can it be digitized? So some people, this is really big with pictures, and photos, and letters, and home videos. So maybe they, they want all of the albums, you know, they feel very, um, they're especially in the old, not old, I shouldn't say olden days, but prior to 19, probably 95, when things were not as digitized as they are now, past like 95 and 2000, families really want to keep albums and pictures because there might only be one, or maybe there weren't even any negatives that were.
That were kept, so the only one that exists is the one that's in the printed album, and everybody wants the original, so there are things that maybe can be digitized and shared that way. Alright, so those are some of the tips. And then, I mean, I had to add this in here because it's really important as a reminder, but remember that relationships are more valuable than stuff.
I understand that some of you may have issues or conversations and relationships that may not be repairable. You know, this is past this conversation. This is more therapy work. This is like deeper than all of this. But just remember that stuff is. Either replaceable, but if it's not replaceable, you can compromise on what you do with it.
Okay? So that is something that we can work through, but relationships is not. If you think that the stuff is going to get in the way of a relationship, maybe think about if it, if it's worth it or not, and then go from there. Maybe if you find yourself in a battle over an item, ask just that, the common question, is this worth damaging my relationship over?
And then go from there. Now, I don't want to go too deep into this section because. You know, some of you will, you know, you have your reasons and I don't want to minimize any of those reasons, but I just want you to make sure that you remember that these are people, these are relationships, these are feelings, these are real, and what they're arguing about and what they're fighting for and what you all are trying to resolve.
May be deeper than the actual physical thing and sometimes just letting go is the best way to move forward. So, you know, maybe nobody gets it. Why don't we sell it? Divide the earnings. Why don't we donate it to the museum in the name of this person and make that the memory for all of us to keep instead of trying to, you know, gamify it or keep something that at the end of the day may not even be worth.
So to recap, before you start organizing, get everyone on the same page, two, use a fair system for dividing items and document decisions, very important, document decisions, three, if a dispute does come up, pause, acknowledge emotions, and look for compromises. So those are my three overall tips that I have for you.
If you're going through this right now and need support, let me know. We're happy to help. Reach out to me over at The Organized Flamingo, any of our socials, or you can email us at hello at theorganizedflamingo. com. Until next time, happy organizing! Thank you for listening to the Organized and Cherished podcast.
With the Organized Flamingo. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast player. It helps others discover our show. For full show notes, resources, and more organizing inspiration, visit www. theorganizedflamingo. com slash podcast. Until next time, happy organizing.
