17: Living with an Unorganized Partner: How to Avoid Frustration
How many times have you rolled your eyes when your partner, or anyone you share a space with, left the dirty socks they just took off RIGHT next to hamper? We all know that differences in organizational style can be a major source of conflict in relationships, causing stress and tension on a daily basis. But there are effective strategies you can use to communicate with your partner and find a balance that works for both of you.
In this episode we talk about:
- The Challenges of Communicating with a Less Organized Partner
- The Importance of Effective Communication
- Strategies for Communicating with a Less Organized Partner
- Finding Compromise with people that you live with
Where to find Dr. Dar online:
IG https://www.instagram.com/dr.dar.hawks/
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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/drdarhawks/
Mentioned in this Episode:
The 5 Relationship Languages Quiz & Toolkit:
https://RelationshipsToolkit.com
The Organized & Productive podcast is brought to you by The Organized Flamingo and hosted by Stephanie Y. Deininger! For those of you who love the thought of organizing & being more productive, but don’t know where to start or constantly up against hurdles that don’t let you advance the way you want to, this podcast is for you!
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Review the Transcript:
Stephanie
Okay, be honest. How many times have you rolled your eyes when your partner left their dirty socks they just took off right next to the hamper. Like right there right next to it, and you're thinking, the same amount of effort it took you to put it on the floor would have taken you to just open the hamper or just place it in the basket. Yes, I know a lot of us can relate. We all know that differences in organizational style can be a major source of conflicts in relationships. They can cause stress tension, and this could be on a daily basis. But there are effective strategies you can use to communicate with your partner and find a balance that works for both of you. For our episode today, we have Dr. Dr. Hawks, a relationship healer, who is sharing valuable insights and practical tips on how to communicate with a partner who is not organized or tidy. She shares her expertise and personal experience with us, highlighting the importance of empathy, active listening, and finding compromise in relationships. So if you're struggling to keep your space organized and need some help on how to talk to your partner, or person you're living with, this episode is perfect for you. Oh, one quick thing. This episode is geared towards communication tips with an adult person you live with, or share a space with. It could be a partner or a spouse, but it's an adult, or not addressing communicating and relationships with children in this episode. Okay, so just a heads up. So let's get to our interview. Welcome to the organized and productive podcast with the organized Flamingo. I am your host, Stephanie, a professional organizer and productivity expert, ready to explore the right organizing and productivity solutions for you. Yeah, well, then let's go. Hello, Hi, Dr. Dar Great to have you here. Welcome. So we are starting the conversation with the challenges of communicating with the less organized partner. So welcome. And let's get right to it.
Dr. Dar Hawks
That sounds great. Thank you for having me. And I look forward to this wonderful chat.
Stephanie
So let's talk about the challenges just to get it that you know that conversation off the challenges of community communicating with a less organized partner or really anybody that you live with? How what are some of those common challenges that people face that they may not even be aware are happening, but you could probably point it out. So remind people like what does that look like when you're being challenged?
Dr. Dar Hawks
Yeah, you know, it can show up in all kinds of different ways. And I'll share a funny story actually. funny to me now, right. 20 years later, I went out on a first date, and we went to dinner and within the first five minutes, as soon as the guy was with picked up his spoon the way he held his spoon, I knew that wasn't going to work for me. Like every time I would sit for a meal, it would drive me bonkers. So you know, my clients always say, Gosh, that's so shallow. But no, it's real, we really have to pay attention to our preferences and the ways we like our kitchen set up and how forks and spoons are used or where their place is in which drawer. Because those are the things that build up to the big things and then create problems in the relationship. Another one is how to load the dishwasher. Right? That's a big classic one that I think everyone can relate to. Oh, yeah, everyone loads it differently. And you would think manufacturers would teach you how to do that. Right? And there are videos there. But at the end of the day, I learned how to load a dishwasher with from my mom and she likes to pack it full. And my husband likes dishes to be sterilized. So he'll go after me and adjust how they're in there. And it used to really tick me off but then I realized it's not. It's not personal. He's not attacking me. He's just adjusting according to his preference. Oh,
Stephanie
had it Yes, I can resonate with all of that. And, and the stepping back for a second and remembering that what you feel that person may be not doing adequately may just be a different learning style. So which is what we'll talk about all that today. But yes, I could resignate that 100% So why is it so important to pick up on those subtle hints or not so subtle hints that you that argue from your partner or the person you live with? What are some effective ways to or not away effective? Why is it so important to listen to yourself to listen to those irks in the law, you know, in the communication game with a partner?
Dr. Dar Hawks
Yep. So those arcs create a result resulting emotion and a feeling right. So we feel a certain way, maybe we take it personally, or they're just doing it to tick us off, or it's something that's just putting more work on me because I have to redo it, whatever that, you know, explanation is for ourselves, there's a reaction in our bodies and our minds. And that react reaction can create a very contentious situation. And you have to be really clear about what your preference is, first of all, really concisely and clearly, and understand what their preference is, so that you can find a way to meet in the middle. And that's crucial. It's not going to be their way or your way, all the time. It might be, you know, a compromising situation that satisfies both of you. Yeah.
Stephanie
So would you consider that to be in effect? Like, what are other effective ways to communicate between partners and people you live with? Like, are people that you share space with? Like, how can somebody do that in an effective manner, so not just to hurt people's feelings or to be direct, but to actually start to get the responses you're looking for?
Dr. Dar Hawks
Yeah. So I think that it's really important to understand that, when we're communicating around organizing with your partner or somebody you're living with, it's not so much the response in that moment we're looking for we're looking for agreement, and we're looking for action. And we're looking for it based on our filter of what we think it must be. So so we really have to, like get into a neutral place with all of that. And know, okay, this is how I like it. This is what I'm wanting them to do right now. And this is why I'm upset about it. And oftentimes, why am upset, it's not really about the spoon, upside down in the dishwasher, or the wrong way in there, there's usually other things behind it. So number one, you've got to have the conversation when you're not charged, like when you're calm, and they're calm. And you can have an intelligent, you know, relaxed conversation about how you feel about the spoon upside down in the dishwasher, and then ask for support. And it's key to ask for support very clearly, instead of saying, You must do it this way. You know, and defending your position with all of the reasons why. And then the scientific proof for it and all the research to back it up. Because people are going to be the people we care about and the people we live with. That repels, it doesn't invite them to participate with you in creating a collaborative, harmonious environment.
Stephanie
So true. I don't remember what I read or where I read this from you. But it it was kind of like that the approach or your intention behind or I don't know, if it's the tone of your voice, I don't know if the intention, but what are some strategies for communicating with the person at the opposite person, so that they know you're coming from a place where you're looking for compromise? Like what are some strategies for communicating with them that that are practical enough to do in the moment, because as you just you know, you mentioned and we all know, when you're in the heat of the moment, or when that person is doing the exact opposite of what you need or want. And you're in your reactionary, it's not as easy to remember these awesome practical tips.
Dr. Dar Hawks
So what are some way that people can can do that in the moment? Yeah. So I'm a strong advocate for not doing it in the moment, however, to your point, you know, it's hard to remember that. The nice thing about communication with anyone is you get instant feedback, right? I mean, you're gonna know right away, whether it's going well for you or whether it's going well for them or not. So I think an important strategy when you're in the moment and can't take that timeout, so to speak to go just get your mind off it and get into a fun you know, relaxed space is to just claim it. Look, I'm upset my bloods boiling right now, over something pretty simple. And I know it does. You know, it may not sound like a big deal. But right now it is to me, I just need you to hear that I'm upset about you know, the cabinet doors being left open, or you just throwing your laundry down on the floor as you walk in the door. Even though the laundry rooms right there and you could put it in the basket. As soon as you claim your feelings and you're upset, it starts to get you more into a neutral mood. And you're making it about yourself, not them. So that's that's tip number one. Tip number two is to check in to see how they're responding to that. If they're getting defensive. That's a clue to just say you know, well I just wanted to share how I feel, right now, let's let's talk about it later at another time and see if we can come up with something that works for both of us. So that, you know, I'm not pushing you to change, you're not pushing me to change, but we find a workable solution for both of us. So it's not a whole lot of work for either of us. If they're responsive and say, Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, I didn't realize it bothered you. They may surprise you and say, Hey, how would you? How would you prefer it done, you know, the kitchens, your domain, or laundry is something you handle and I want to make it easier for you, then that opens the door. So you really have to look to see whether, then you're going to know right away whether the doors open for additional communication? Yeah,
Stephanie
that's a really good reminder like that, at least being an observer to how that person also is responding to you. Okay, so when do we introduce, like empathy and active listening? And all of that, like, is this? Is this something that we, you know, people can practice ahead of time, especially if you're, if you're seeing the signs of things that your partner is doing is? Is that something that people can practice ahead of time? So how do we introduce that active listening and empathy into this whole thing?
Dr. Dar Hawks
First things first, right? That that whole empathy and active listening, tying into your, your comment about being the observer is that whoever you're living with, or your partner, this is not something new, they've always, typically always done things that way. And we probably just swept it out of there under the rug, because everything else was so wonderful when we got together, right? So having selfish self empathy, and forgiveness and letting go and understanding look, I went into this eyes wide open. And now we need to find something that mutually works. Because this today, however much time maybe it's a month later, maybe it's years later, isn't working for me now. Secondly, the empathy and active listening is really internal, you've got to have that for yourself first to really unpack. Is it something you can live with going forward? Is it something that you can negotiate and find middle ground, or, you know, really learn about your own relationship language and their relationship language because that ties into communication style? So what do I mean by that? Well, there are five relationship languages. The first one is love and belonging and love and belonging, because they love and they're so other people focused, and they are consummate givers, the chances are, they're going to wait for ever before they bring it up. Because they love this person, they don't want to hurt their feelings, they don't mind going above and beyond making sure things are, you know, taken care of, and clean up after everyone the kids and the spouse and partner, but one day, it just becomes too much and they explode. But the way they explode is not through anger, it's through tears and just hurt, feel and feelings, and what I call an emotional, vomit kind of situation. And our partners, people around us who aren't emotional, don't know how to deal with that. So addressing it early on is key for the love and belonging, relationship language, power oriented or relationship language folks, they're very direct in their communication. And they're very task oriented. And usually they're, they already know what the best way to do it is. And they're going to be able to back it up with data and facts. So so so you can already see right love and belonging and power. If you're in that relationship dynamic, it's going to require a little quite a bit of empathy and active listening, not from your own relationship language framework, but from theirs. So love and belonging is going to have to become very unemotional get into this neutral place, get really clear, do their research, potentially, and come back with data as well, right? These are exaggerated examples to make the point. Then we've got the fun relationship language and for them, it's like what's the big deal, it's just a spoon in a drawer Come on, the dishwasher is going to work regardless, lighten up, which is going to take the other two off, right, the love and belonging, he's going to feel like their feelings are even hurt even more, they're going to feel unheard. And power is going to get probably a little bit more dictatorial or authoritative and more assertive with the data and the facts. And fun is going to start shutting down because there's no fun in it, right? There's no light heartedness in it. So and then you've got the freedom relationship language and they live in the moment like they are so present moment oriented and they're the ones that will put you know a dirty dish on a counter intending to take it to the to the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher or wash it. But because they live in the moment, they got distracted. They buy something and they're off doing something that gives them freedom and joy. Right. And then in comes one of these other relationship language oriented people, and they see the dish on their desk. And you know, where it goes from
Stephanie
there, what are you doing to me, right.
Dr. Dar Hawks
And then the fifth relationship language is the safety survival, right. So with them, you know, it could be that dishes on that table, and you've still got gunk, you know, food in it, and it's getting germy. And it's going to be so hard to clean and disinfect it and write, it becomes a bigger deal around safety and concern for each other's health and the dish being in its proper place. Because they're Ultra, you know, organized, they're probably going to be your favorite, favorite Klein or not, because they already have, you know, have it or can improve upon it. So you can already see the dynamics between the relationship languages and navigate guiding them, it's really important to understand each other's relationship language, so that you can, you can have empathy, and listen from that perspective of that lens instead of your own lens. And then share your perspective from your lens or relationship language.
Stephanie
So good. Oh, my gosh, so good. I know that you have the the my explanation of the five languages all were on your site, and with so if you're a listener, and you're like this is, this is amazing, then head on over to our site, which we'll share in just a second. But as you talk about these languages, is this something that can all learn languages? If you have to? Can they work together? Is it Are there some that will of course, work better than others,
Dr. Dar Hawks
that's like saying is, is there a human that works better than others, I tend to be very inclusive, I would say that the love and belonging, relationship language oriented people are a lot more tolerant, a lot more accepting, and probably stay too long in you know, relationships that just aren't going to work, or will just stay and try to find ways right? They're the peacemakers they're going to find ways the relationship language of fun if, if their relationship or who they're living with, it's just a drag every day, they're probably gonna, you know, exit, or they're going to not practice as much self care as needed. So you will notice that fairly quickly, with freedom and power relationship, language oriented people. So you know, we all have a healthy side, or can have the healthy side of the relationship languages, but we also have that shadow not good side that can get triggered. So, you know, if a power relationship oriented person is very dictatorial, they're very control oriented towards other people, then freedom and fun is just not going to work. And then I also see that safety and safety, survival and power oriented people can have conflict. And then safety, survival with fun because fun folks and freedom folks tend to be higher risk takers, and adventure oriented, you know, they're the ones that will step all the way to the edge of the Grand Canyon to look, meanwhile, love and belonging, safety, survival, we're freaking out, because we know about the winds, and we read 10 stories, right? About someone falling and getting blown off. So I wouldn't say there's any one or two that are best, I think we're dealing with people, and the fact that we are dynamic every day and understanding that today, I'm a different person than I was when you met me. And it's an opportunity to create, it's like we have a clean slate every morning when we wake up, right. And then as human beings, we all have all five relationship languages in us driving our choices, which then drive our actions, our behaviors, what we think, feel and say. And given that we also have our prime, a primary and a secondary, that really creates the best self in showing up for ourselves in our relationships. And then we have a shadow one. So being aware of what those are and what those are for the other person you're interacting with, will help you navigate in a really simple way. And also use and leverage that information. To have a discussion about choices. I feel like human beings and relationships and interpersonal communication. We don't talk about choices that much. So if we were to shift it to what, you know, here's what I'm choosing to do in this situation. Here's my ask of you, you know, and what choices can you make for you to be happier with whatever it is we're discussing. And for us to find a way to harmonize is key because choice is really about the action right? And when we're here that choice, I'm choosing to Do it's powerful language, because it gives you that that action oriented thing that we're looking for, we're looking for the result. And when we use the word I'm choosing it has that personal accountability energy to it.
Stephanie
Yeah, absolutely. And you feel like you own it, you own. It's yours, if you own it, and Good, the Bad and the Ugly is something that you chose to do that you have full control over right, as much as possible. And I also asked that question, because I loved Well, I love your perspective on this, that we wake up you know, as, as different human beings, dynamic human beings have personality, and that we all get shaped depending on our journey, our life journey and whatnot. And you know, it's not so black and white, I love your perspective over it, which is how we really connected and also the the part where if you get to learn just a little bit more about yourself and your partner, the pursuing love with but your partner more specifically for this conversation? It could, it could help so much, because I see that quite a bit where it's sometimes the talk about well, what happened, you know, what do you do when your partner is disorganized? And then I think, is it? Is it disorganization? Or is there more or their quirks and aspects of your partner that you're pointing out? That may be deeper? Let me bring in an expert. Let me bring in an expert because sometimes you're just like, you think that's what it is, it's the spoon that was put in wrong, but it's something a little deeper and getting to know your partner, and their love language in like, in your free framework, I think will go a long way.
Dr. Dar Hawks
Yeah, yeah, it's, it's pretty amazing. I've used this framework in my work with couples want one of my offers is I work with couples to help save their marriage and relationship over a weekend. And this is the foundational framework, and it's so powerful, because it removes the emotion from it, right? You and the upset and the interpretation and the assuming and the expectation from it, you're really using a level set of simple terminology and, and framing of a situation, you know a little bit more about the dishwasher story. Exactly. And it's very personal to me, I used to get so upset, because I'd fill the dishwasher that my husband would come on and just change it all around, pull stuff out, put it in the sink, and I had to do my own work, right, I use the framework on myself. And I accepted, you know what, I learned this from my mom, where did my what's my story or my interpretation of why my mom does it, without having to talk to my mom, there's no need in my situation to have done that. Or to show her a different way. You know, she's 6070 years old at that point. But shifting to a place of, you know, maybe there's something for me to learn here. Let me be curious and clean with my communication with my husband around that I said, you know, it really hurts my feelings when you do that. I'm not really doing it to hurt your feelings. I'm doing it because the efficiency and the mechanics and the engineering and how the water and you know, here's how the water, it's the dishes. And if you do it like this, it can't get in there and the soap can't get in there. Oh, I get it. So you know, out of curiosity show show me how you put that bowl in there. You know, I mean, that beginner's mind, and that curiosity can just solve a lot.
Stephanie
Yeah, like how and the why, like, Tell me more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, it's a really beautiful thing. Okay. So let's talk a little bit about now that we're starting to kind of unwind with the conversation because we could go on forever. So this is a whole like weekend retreat situation that we could be giving people but just to start on winding, what is something that you would want the listener to take from this conversation about? Relationships, communicating with your spouse, partner, a person you live with and share a space with? What is something that you would want them to take away? At the end of the day, if you're listening to this, because it's hitting a lot of your it's hitting, it's hitting home? What should people be thinking about or doing next,
Dr. Dar Hawks
definitely learn your relationship language and your shadow language. And as you mentioned, you know, on my website, there's a quiz there and you can learn all about it and get as much information as you want or not there. I think the important thing is really getting clear about whether you're trying to change your partner, right? And if you are then you know, get get additional help because there's something else going on there. And also understand how your past is affecting your, your present need, and also identifying what your need is, I think Secondly, there's a tendency to do things by yourself or just do it your own on your own. I hear many couples or even people in, you know, living with other people say just forget it all do it. Right. So that that is indicate indicative of, I want it done my way, and there's no other way to do it. So being open to unlimited possibilities, if the end goal is accomplished, whether you get there your way, are there ways in material as long as you know, the dishes, get out of the dishwasher and into the into the cabinets, right? Even if they outsource it. I asked you to do it, but you've just you asked my son to come you know, our son to come in and do it or you hired a special person to write be open. I think that's the that is crucial, open and curious and clean with your communication and where you are with what your needs are. Yeah,
Stephanie
so true. So good. Okay. All right. So we're starting to wrap up. I asked this question of all our guests, I love to learn what is your favorite magazine to read for either business, and our pleasure, and then why?
Dr. Dar Hawks
So I had to do some deep thinking on that one. It's like I had to go into my past, right, the past storybook. And it's Reader's Digest. In fact, I just renewed my subscription. It's like I had lost my way. I love that that little, you know, magazine. There's all kinds of funny, you know, clean jokes in it, short stories. And, you know, when I look at what introduced me to it, my dad used to buy me Reader's Digest books, and I loved the stories in those books. So yeah, that's one. And then I love Human Design and astrology, you know, just studying of patterns and energy and how that impacts human beings and life on our planet. So I'll read, whatever, you know, magazines are out there, or stories that happened to hit me. But I would say on a daily basis, it's Flipboard, the app on Flipboard, because it will write I can put in my interest, and then it'll pop up the relevant articles based on my topics of interest in that moment. And also, I have to say AI, like, AI is really fascinating to me right now from the relationship aspect of it and, and how that's going to impact us in the future as relational social creatures.
Stephanie
Oh, absolutely. Well, we're gonna have to dig a little deeper on that. On another conversation, because I just as fascinated as Yes. Especially with Yeah, with the, with these with communication styles, that power is going to change. Yeah. All right. So where can people reach you if they want to learn more about this super interesting topic, and all about you and the quiz and all the good stuff? Where can people reach you.
Dr. Dar Hawks
So you can go to Dr. Door hawks.com. And if you type in Dr. Door hogs in your search engine, you're going to find all my stuff there. But I definitely invite you to go take the quiz. And you can do that at relationship quiz.me Or at Dr. Door hawks.com. And there'll be a packet of information that goes with the quiz, and I think it'll be super fun and beneficial.
Stephanie
Awesome. Well, thank you so much for your time. Very interesting. And I'm excited to hopefully people will share with us what they thought about the conversation, and that you all go do the quiz. So head on over there. Thank you again. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the organized and productive podcast with the organized Flamingo. If you enjoyed today's episode, I would love it if you'd leave a rating and review on your favorite podcast player. It helps with letting people know that we're here. For full show notes and resources head on over to the organized flamingo.com/podcast Happy organizing